Category: Let's talk
Hi all,
I'm turning to you fine people for some more advice please and thank you!
So, here's my situation: I've been seeing my boyfriend (also blind) for the past 9 months. Things are going well on every front, except when it comes to trying to make plans and my parents.
Basically, our living situations are very different: he lives on his own, has a job and his parents are the other side of the country; I, on the other hand, am still at college and live with my parents. I'm basically financially independent (thanks to disability allowance+a part-time job), but I'm finding it very hard to balance pleasing my parents and doing what they want to do, and having my life with my boyfriend, especially as (obviously) neither of us drive, and boyfriend works fulltime. The only thing we ever disagree over is this issue - if this wasn't a problem, we'd rub along without a cross word!
What do I do?? Help!
Thanks :)
instead of working so hard to please your parents, how about pleasing yourself instead?
I understand you live with them, and, to a certain extent, have to abide by their rules. however, I promise you'll be happiest in living for, and doing for yourself.
HappyHeart's right. I think it's harder between child and mother than it is between child and father in this way, at least among American whites.
I'm on the other end of the scale now: my daughter is preparing to leave home after high school, already thinking about it, although she's got a year or less left to go. When her mom asked what I thought about getting a place where she could still live with us, I made it quite clear: live with us as an adult, financially independent. Not like we won't help, but trying to do a bit of the ties-cutting between mother and child takes some effort sometimes. And you need to stand on your own two legs.
So you say you are financially independent? I take it that means you contribute financially to the household? If all that is the case, you now conduct yourself as an adult member of the household, you don't ask permision to come or go and they don't demand permission for you to come or go. The transportation challenge is definitely an issue, but you solving that challenge and not relying on your family also makes you an adult. If you're the one putting forward solutions for how you're going to solve problems, you'll probably run into some trouble but you won't be seen as a child. Not if you continuously behave differently. It takes time, though: they have to see you do and be different for awhile. And whether they see it or not, you just make it happen: you get your own situation squared away as much as possible, contribute like an adult, and things will eventually improve. You start acting that way, even you will start seeing yourself that way.
Exactly. and even if you are living under their roof, what you do outside of their house shouldn't have to be aproved by them, so long as it doesn't negatively impact the household in any way. I.E. If you want to go somewhere on Friday night, the only thing you need to be mindful of is getting home without waking anyone up, and arranging your own transportation if your parents aren't helping you out with that. As Leo said, as long as you act like an adult, you should be treated like one.
All are correct. The only thing I add is let them know you are going andwhere you might go, about what time you expect to return. This is not a child thing, but important for the people that care about your safety. If you decide you aren't returning give them a call and let them know this as well. Enjoy.
I forgot. You can't know exactly the time you will return, but you say I'll be back tonight or tomorrow, like that. If you lived alone it is a good idea to let someone know if you are gonna be away from your house for more than a day. I do this. I'm not reporting my every move, but one person does know if I'm gone say 2 days.
Part of becoming an adult is learning to create boundaries and how to communicate. There's no need to be passive-aggressive or ignore your parents' wishes, but I suggest talking to them openly about what it is they want, what it is you want, and how to reach some compromises.
Can your boyfriend be included in some family outings? Would your parents like to hang out with you and your boyfriend for a movie or something that you've already planned?
It's hard in many cases for parents to stop seeing their kid as their "little boy/girl". Give them time, but hold your ground.
well, I guess, I'll say for this case it depends what there wishes was if it was to baby you and tell you he's not the guy then of course you shouldn't let them stop you. but, I guess, I am a bit soft on the family part, as I love family values, more then a lot of people think, then what I can be. I mean, if all they want is more time to hang out with you I don't see anything wrong with that, in fact, I encourage it. your family is probably the most important people in your life, and it's the most important thing in the world except yourself. and, the thing is, it's more important to spend some time with them and have some time for others E.g. your boyfriend, unless they're like mine and likes to bickerall day long and complain about everything under the sun, well, but I don't completely not hang out, I mean, as long as they are not doing that, anyway, that's not the point, it's important to appreciate them and spend some quality time with them, so yeah, you should totally give them what they want if it's time.
Wow, thank you all so so much!! I really didn't expect to get this level of responses, I really appreciate it!
I don't have a huge amount of time, so I'll make this quick, and forgive me if I don't respond individually to everybody:
Re being financially independent, I'm not completely independent, because my parents don't feel comfortable with the idea of me contributing to the household. In Ireland you get Disability Allowance (188 euro a week) when you're 16, and it continues indefinitely until you start earning above a certain level of income (not sure what level that is, as I'm only working a couple of hours a week, nowhere enough to have it affect my payment). Anyway, since I've been getting the allowance, I've offered to pay and to help out with bills, food shopping, phone bill etc. - but they really don't like that idea; I can understand that it's hard for them to let go, and I'm honestly not saying I don't appreciate all they do for me - I really do. It's just, like I said, I'm majorly struggling not to lose the head at them over stupid things, because this issue is driving me nuts.
To the last poster, I do totally agree that family values are really, really important - I love spending time with my family, and have a large extended family with whom I spend as much time as possible - but I just feel I need to make the next step towards adulthood, and I never imagined it would be this tricky or cause me to feel so irritated.
Re coming home, going out and people being aware of where I am, that's never, ever been an issue; my parents are, in fairness, poretty cool about going out, not overprotective or anything, and I've never been inclined to lie to them about where I am or when I'm coming home, even as a teenager.
Any other toughts greatly appreciated! :)
Maybe you should be a little more insistent about paying bills, particularly if they're your own, like your cell hone, or groceries you purchase for yourself. Could you for example go to the store and buy whatever you and your family need, and surprise them? Or if you can pay any of your bills online, try paying one, and then when they realize it's already been paid, just tell them you're taking a little responsibility. That should get them to shift their focus a bit, maybe not overnight, since this approach will likely make them uncomfortable, but they have to start seeing you as more of an adult.
I really like that idea Fire and Rain. thanks!! :)
well, growing up doesn't mean disconnecting with one's family though, you should stay connected, a lot of people do, I know a lot of families here are, they are in there 30s or 40s or maybe even 50s and they are very close to there 80 or 90 years old parents. or even younger.
I agree, if you're close with your family than there's little reason for you to discontinue communication with them, family is important... and, it sounds like you and your bf are handling the situation as best as you can given the circumstances. :)
Rachel, you are right but also grossly mistaken: Many will separate from their families when in their 20s, to grow up, get their feet under themselves, and bring to the table a whole adult individual. This really starts to matter as parents age, and you no longer view yourself in a parent/child relationship, looking to them for advice or approval. Getting away for awhile allows you to see clearly to be of any practical usefulness when you get to middle age and your parents start getting older. You see things that they possibly cannot: they are living out their lives, and you the middle-aged offspring are more capable of being vigilant and resourceful. If you stay close and clingy during the 20s, then your aging parents are left with a middle-aged child, still seeking their approval, when what they need then is the stalwart support of a settled adult. So sure, it is best for you to get out and get your feet under you. But ultimately, it is best for them.